Top Funny Facebook Status Updates [Super lol Edition] 2017

Funny Facebook Status Updates

  • If you think nobody cares if you’re alive, try missing a couple of payments.
  • The quickest way to double your money is to fold it over and put it back in your pocket.
  • The only mystery in life is why the kamikaze pilots wore helmets.
  • Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit; Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.
  • Nothing sucks more than that moment during an argument when you realize you’re wrong.
  • Politicians and diapers have one thing in common. They should both be changed regularly, and for the same reason.
  • When I die, I want to die like my grandfather who died peacefully in his sleep. Not screaming like all the passengers in his car.
  • I couldn’t repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.
  • Children: You spend the first 2 years of their life teaching them to walk and talk. Then you spend the next 16 telling them to sit down and shut-up.
  • Never interrupt your opponent while he’s making a mistake.
  • You can go anywhere you want if you look serious and carry a clipboard.
  • A friend is someone who will bail you out of jail. A best friend is the one sitting next to you saying ‘boy was that fun.
  • We live in a society where pizza gets to your house before the police.
  • It may look like I’m doing nothing, but I’m actively waiting for my problems to go away.
  • Every rule has an exception, especially this one.
  • To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism. To steal from many is research.
  • Three words guaranteed to humiliate men everywhere: ‘Hold my purse.
  • Men have two emotions: hungry and horny. If you see him without an erection, make him a sandwich.
  • History teaches us that men and nations behave wisely once they have exhausted all other alternatives.
  • The United States is a nation of laws: badly written and randomly enforced.
  • My opinions may have changed, but not the fact that I am right.
  • Don’t let your mind wander, Its too little to be let out alone.
  • Life’s a bitch, if it were easy it’d be a slut.
  • I’d call you a tool, but even THEY serve a purpose.
  • Death is life’s way of telling you that you’ve been fired. Suicide is your way to tell life, “you can’t fire me, I Quit!”
  • Never argue with an idiot. They drag you down to their level then beat you with experience.
  • Every day, man is making bigger and better fool-proof things, and every day, nature is making bigger and better fools. So far, I think nature is winning.
  • I swear my pillow could be a hairstylist I always wake up with the wierdest hairdos.
  • X just received a coupon in the mail: Buy one sock, get one FREE! While socks last.
  • X believes that if you tell your boss what you really think of him, the truth will set you free.
  • ¡ǝɯıʇ ǝɯɐs ǝɥʇ ʇɐ ʞooqǝɔɐɟ ǝsn puɐ puɐʇspuɐɥ ɐ op ʎןןɐuıɟ uɐɔ
  • Smile, it’s the second best thing you can do with your lips.
  • The big difference between sex for money and sex for free is that sex for money usually costs a lot less.
  • If at first you don’t succeed, skydiving is not for you!
  • oh I’m sorry! i didn’t realise you were giving me a dirty look…i just thought you were ugly like that all the time!!
  • wants to merge MySpace, Facebook, YouTube and Twitter and call it: MY FACE YOU TWIT.
  • The trouble with being punctual is that nobody’s there to appreciate it.
  • I have to exercise early in the morning before my brain figures out what I’m doing.
  • America is a country where half the money is spent buying food, and the other half is spent trying to lose weight.
  • X says don’t look at me in that tone of voice.
  • If you love something, let it go. If it comes back, it was meant to be. If it does not, hunt it down & kill it.
  • Boys will be boys as long as there are no girls in the picture.
  • Marriage is like going to a restaurant and order your choice from the menu, And then look at neighbouring table n wish you”d ordered that.
  • If life gives you questions, Google gives you answers.
  • Money can’t buy happiness, but it pays for internet, which is pretty much the same thing.
  • FACEBOOK STORY: Add as friend – Approve -> Write something on wall -Intro – Everyday chatting – Ask number phone – Messaging – Calling – Meeting – Express love – Make relationship status – Hangout – Misunderstanding – Fight – Break up – Unfriend – Block !THE END
  • The police are on the way to arrest you for stealing my heart, hijacking my feelings, and driving me crazy.
  • If you are reading this, congrats you know how to read..
  • Facebook is like a fridge. When you’re bored you keep opening and closing it every few minutes to see if there’s anything good in it
  • I dream of a better tomorrow, where chickens can cross the road and not be questioned about their motives.
  • The zoo is a pretty safe place to fart.
  • I’m not getting older, I’m just becoming a classic..
  • I’m not 40, I’m eighteen with 22 years experience…
  • I may be old enough to know better, but I am STILL young enough to DO IT..
  • My life, My choices, My mistakes, My lessons, Not your business.
  • That awkward moment when somebody is doing dishes and you slowly put another dish in the sink.
  • Doctors finally figured out whats wrong with a boys brain; on the left side, there’s nothing right; and on the right side, there’s nothing left…
  • Tip to reduce weight, first turn your head to the left and then turn it to the right. Repeat this exercise every time you are offered something to eat.
  • Do you know the difference between a lady and a woman? A lady does what she’s told and a woman does what she dam well pleases!
  • Doing the moonwalk is the only way to look cool while wiping dog crap off your shoes.
  • I`m jealous of my parents, i`ll never have a kid as cool as theirs…
  • Can I take your picture?? I love to collect pictures of natural disasters..
  • I have finally figured out why I can’t lose this extra weight. The shampoo I use in the shower that runs down my body says, “for extra volume and body.”
  • I follow the quote, “Always be true to yourself” because I only lie to others!
  • Don`t you know it`s rude to talk while I`m interrupting?
  • I’m a smart person, I just do stupid things.
  • Thinks I feel great when I go to bed drunk. I wake up feeling crap. Obviously sleep is bad for you.
  • Some relationships are like tom and Jerry, they irritate each other, they tease each other, but they still can’t live without each other..
  • I am going to start cleaning my house. And by cleaning, i mean drinking beer and spraying everything with febreze.
  • That awkward moment when you keep talking & you don`t realize your friend walked away.
Top